Post partum depression

So I've officially been diagnosed with post-partum depression. With a past of abuse, compounded by a preemie, sleep deprivation and a couple infections, who can really blame me? I get very upset (mostly with myself but sometimes with others for "not helpung") if I can't fifure out what's wrong with Little Man. I wrack myself with guilt over every shortcoming and feel like a failure as a mom. But the scariest is the horrible rages. Nobody worry, Little Man is in no danger, this anger is directed inward. During a particularly bad fit, I began bashing myself in the head, first with my hands, then with some books. Finally, as my hand wrapped around the shaft of my jewelry hammer, I knew it was time to ask for help. I called my doctor and after a short consultation I was prescribed zoloft and a few xanex until it kicks in. I love my little man, and I will do anything for him. It's not a permanent thing, just something to help level me out until my body levels out again.

These are not the only symptoms of post-partum depression. It can be a very serious condition, sometimes even life threatening. Please, if you think you have it, don't suffer like I did. What would have happened if I hadn't come to my senses when I did? Remember, asking for help doesn't mean you're weak, it just means you're strong enough to admit you can't do it alone.

So it's been awhile

I haven't posted in a long time because I didn't want to descend into an endless cycle of complaining about lack of sleep and fussy baby. Because that's what the last three months have been. For two blissful months my baby slept through the night and was very sweet and independent. Then one day that all changed. I took him to the doctor three seperate times because he just screamed for hours at a time. He never wanted to sleep and he refused to take his bunki. The only way I could get him to sleep was by nursing him. Finally we got some help in a diagnosis of thrush. When we got that cleared up he started taking his bink again and stopped crying for hours. But he never went back to sleeping through the night. Some nights he wakes as often as four times, staying awake for an hour or two each time.

Complicating matters, I'm struggling with emotional issues. No, I'm not depressed. I'm angry. All the time. It's generally directed at myself, since self abuse has always been a hobby of mine. But this is a dangerous rage that scares me sometimes. I don't even know what could be done about it since it's not depression or anxiety. The only way it's really effected the way I treat Anthony is sometimes I get frustrated and set him down and walk away. I would never hurt my son.

Developmentally he's doing good. He has finally mastered rolling over. He sits on his own and plays really well. He can get up on his knees and has been scooting backwards for a few weeks. He eats about five ounces of baby food twice a day and we've started giving him foods he can feed himself once a day, like graham crackers, fruit spears or baby MumMums. He can stand with minimal assistance, though only holding onto us. He hasn't figured out how to hold himself in other things. He can make his walker go backwards, though he hasn't figured out forwards yet. He usn't really talking yet, though it sounds like he says "hi" sometimes. But boy does he babble! One of his favorite games is to say stuff and have us repeat it.

He's growing, almost 28 inches tall and 19 pounds. He's very happy and smiles and giggles a lot. Usually if he's fussing, he's not sleeping well. Someday... Maybe.