Well baby check

Had his two month checkup yesterday.
Birth:  5 lbs, 3 oz
              18 in
1 month: 6 lbs 14 oz
                  19 in
2 month: 10 lbs 6 oz
                   23 in

He's catching up with change. I asked his doctor how long we would have to adjust for his prematurity developmentally and she said he's doing everything she'd expect a premature baby to do so we don't have to.

Can I just say immunizations are evil. Don't get me wrong, I definately beleive in them, and Anthony was really good with them. But trying to soothe him while the nurse stabbed him was hard. And when I took the bandaid off last night I was shocked by how much he bled. Poor giy. But it has been almost 24 hours and he doesn't have a fever or seem to feel icky, so far anyway.

I've been doing some soul searching lately and realized I somehow became very negative the last year. I was quick to see the bad in people and did little else than complain. I'm not sure how or why it happened but it's not the woman I want raising my son. I need to figure out how to stay the positive person I want to be. Little Man deserves that.

Happy baby noises and a long weekend

So this week Little Man started making what I refer to as happy baby noises. I think it's baby babble, but what is know it is is stinking cute. He'll coo and make sort of high pitched drawn out  "ah" sounds. Even the lactation consultant thought they are adorable. I'm completely biased, so it was nice to have the conformation.

Saturday was a bad day for us. From midnight Friday night until ten on Saturday night he only slept a total of seven hours. My husband had watched him at one point so I had a little bit more sleep, but not a lot. By the time I got him asleep and in his bassinet, I barely made it to my pillow before I dropped off. I'm wondering if I'm not doing the block feeding right, if I'm giving him one breast too long. I have no idea how to tell if a breast is empty. So I went back to what I had been doing, giving him one breast each feeding, alternating between feedings. It's more comfortable for me during the overnight anyway.

Little Man is the squirmiest sleeper I've ever seen and I used to work in a daycare. He grunts and wheezes, stretches and raises his legs, rolling from his back to his side and back. He'll tighten his arms until they shake, raising them straight up in the air. Then he'll give me a sleep smile and be still, only to do it again in ten or fifteen minutes. It's cute to watch, but when I'm tired and just want to sleep, my heart drops every time...

How do single parents do it?

So, in all the stories I've been telling, you might have noticed something missing. My husband. He supports me, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't do much of the physical stuff. He's changed three diapers in two months. He will ignore the baby when he's crying and won't pick him up when it's obvious giving him a pacifier isn't working. Mostly he fetches stuff and keeps up with chores. And that's invaluable, don't get me wrong. But it really bothers me that he won't take a late night feeding or sacrifice some of his routines for the baby. My entire life is different and he has a hissy fit if he has to watch the tv in the bedroom at lunch.
The worst part about it is there aren't many people I can talk to about it. I have friends I can talk to, just not about this. When I complain, I feel like people are judging him, and it's not fair because they don't know the whole story. Then I feel the need to defend him and communication starts to shut down.
It sucks feeling like a married single mother. He will so whatever I ask, but I'm not good at asking for help. I don't know if there os a way to solve thia witbout hurt feelings, but I know it's hard not to resent him when he's snoring away while I'm trying to soothe a fussy baby at 3 am...

Baby overload

So it's been a crazy week!
After the worst diarrhea Little Man's had yet, he didn't give me a wet diaper for eight hours. Well, maybe. There was one diaper where maybe half an inch of the wetness indicator said he'd peed, but it didn't feel like it. So I called the doctor and got an appointment. In the half an hour I was at the doctor's, he peed three times! Little turkey. He now weighs 10 pounds and is 23 inches long, I believe.
Today we went to lactation to transition to the larger nipple shield. He's been refusing to maintain a latch and abusing my nipples, so I was definitely concerned. While there the consultant and I were discussing how inconsistent his diarrhea is, and how he has it when I'm not good and doesn't have it when I'm bad. She doesn't think it's an issue of being unable to process dairy, she thinks it's lactose overload from an overabundant milk supply (I can pump six ounces per breast in one pumping) causing the problem. She recommended block feeding, meaning I keep putting him to the same breast until it's drained. We'll see how it goes. I'm not getting too crazy with the dairy, just in case, but I had ice cream for the first time in a month tonight.
I'm also having trouble with anger lately, usually around feedings. I'm not talking a little irritated, I mean full on explosive hostility. The only other time I felt anything like it is when I'm detoxing off of steroids from my asthma and bronchitis issues. I don't know where it comes from (I have some issues with anger anyway because of abuse when I was young. You can read about those issues in my Fragile Minded blog.) only that I want to destroy things. It's hard because I can't vent since I'm holding Anthony. A couple of times I've had to put him down and walk away.
So that's why there hasn't been a blog for a few days. I will keep you up to date as things develop, but for now he's asleep, so I need to be too.

Little stinker

Every mom has a poop story, and I am no exception. Little Man doesn't poop often, as many breast fed babies don't, but when he does it's rather epic.

The first story happened a couple weeks after he came home, when the poop seemed to stop. I'd spoken to his doctor and knew not to worry. I was sitting in my recliner in pajamas pants and my nursing bra, because we had just finished a nursing session. Little Man sat on my leg, his body reclining against mine, enjoying being upright to check the room out. I felt his little body tense, his legs shooting out straight. I knew that meant he was pooping, which made me happy because it had been several days. Then I felt the wetness on my leg. I looked down and realized he had suffered a blow out, a massive diaper malfunction. There was poop all down my front and all down his legs. He just sat there happily squirming, spreading it around. I stripped us both down, gave him a bath and wiped his changing table down with Lysol wipes. As I straightened up and went to go sit down, I glanced down at him in his bed. I could swear he was smilin about the whole thing.

The second story happened yesterday. Poor Little Man had diarrhea (bad mommy had dairy Friday) and was going constantly. As I was changing his diaper I realized I'd left his picu cream (equal parts eucerin cream, aquafor and zinc oxcide we got from the hospital) and sent my husband to fetch it. I knew better than to leave him uncovered so I pulled the clean diaper up from underneath him. As I reached to get the jar of cream in my husband's hand, there was a very wet sound. I looked down and realized I needed another clean diaper. And new clothes for the baby. Apparently diapers only kind of work when they aren't fastened.
I'm sure there will be more incidents, and I will be sure to share them. I'm quite certain he will appreciate the record twenty years from now.

Dairy free sucks

Do you have any idea how hard it is to avoid all dairy? It's in everything. I can cook from scratch, but Little Man is almost always awake at dinner time. So we try to find quick meals with no dairy, which gets aggravating. And the hardest part is it the results in my son's are inconsistent at best. Cheese seems to be safe, but anything with straight milk or whey is not. This means I can't have Hamburger Helper, most baked goods, even gravy can mess with his little tummy. Understand that I'm willing to sacrifice anything for him if it makes a difference. Though he doesn't get diarrhea like he did before I went dairy free, he still seems to have significant tummy troubles. It doesn't help that he has reflux issues, which causes his tummy to hurt. To make it better, he wants to eat which makes his belly hurt more. It causes him to spit up significant amounts, and who knows what is does as far as his digestive system. Poor little guy. I just wish I could figure out the magic formula to help him...

Just venting

As a new mom, the phrase "things will get better" comes up a lot. Well you know what? That doesn't help me. Suggest things to help or say you know it's tough and pat me on the back. I'm exhausted and the night feels endless. Telling me I have months of this to endure still is a cold comfort at best. Yes, I know it will end. I know millions of women have gone through it as well. And I bet they felt about the same.

The fact is I'm exhausted. I injured my neck in the hospital stay and aggravated it during labor and it still hurts. I can't eat dairy so many of my favorite foods are off limits. I'll talk about that tomorrow, I think. Everyone around me is far to ready to tell me what I'm doing wrong. So you tell me where's the comfort in "it will.get better?"

Amazon Mom and more

Did you know that you can get all the baby products you use sent right to your door? Did you know I sound like a bad medical supply company as? But seriously, imagine never having to run out for diapers because the friendly UPS guy brings them to you. The prices are low and they have all the brands you're familiar with. You can adjust the quantity as needed. And the nice thing about Amazon is they're never out of stock. See, I'm the consumer companies look for, who will buy the same product I like until it isn't available anymore. So if I run to the store for wipes and they don't have the brand I use, it will lead to foot shuffling and looking around like I'm lost before I leave empty handed. I want you to understand, Amazon isn't paying me to tell you about this (unless you want to, Amazon? *holds palm out expectantly*) I just think this is a great idea and so handy if you're like me, too busy and tired to run out and get stuff.

On the subject of diapers, I'm a little worried about Little Man. He's not using the 6-12 a day that he's supposed to everyday. He has five or six, but I think I might call his doctor today and see what she thinks. I also need to call lactation so we can get a before and after weight check to check on his transfers. This isn't really a blog, it's a to-do list.

>

How am I supposed to get everything done?

Since I got Anthony purely one the breast, he only sleeps about two and a half to three hours. He nurses for about 45 minutes. He is awake for a couple hours two to three times a day. And after he eats, I have to hold him for about twenty minutes to half an hour to lessen the chances of him spitting up. Somehow, with the time I have left, I'm supposed to keep the house clean, do enough laundry that I don't have to go naked, try to maintain a decent eating schedule, and run any errands I have. And that's not including making time for myself to ward off post partum, trying to write, and spending some time with my husband. Now admittedly, some of them can be done at the same time, like holding the baby and writing - but not many. I am getting better at prioritizing everything, but I'm still rushing around trying to get everything done. And I didn't even mention sleep. No wonder I'm always tired!

My husband tries to help as much as he can, but it only goes so far. He can't feed Little Man because he's ill equipped. Getting him to change a diaper is like pulling teeth. He gets to sleep through the night. And he goes to work during the day. So I tell myself I'm justified if I get snippy with him. Don't get me wrong. He's very emotionally supportive, and he'll do anything I ask. The problem with that is nine times out of ten it's just easier to do it myself than to ask.
Sometimes I feel incredibly alone. And then I feel guilty and depressed because women raise kids without any support at all, and here I am whining because I'm tired and busy. So I try to keep my chin up and keep on keeping.

At least tomorrow night I will get some sleep. Anthony and I are going to spend the night out at my folks house so Mom can watch home while I sleep. I want to stagger nursing and bottle because I don't want him to backslide. And it means I don't have to have as much milk ahead of time.

Sleep, baby, sleep

The night never seemed so long before Little Man. I never knew how little sleep I could function on. I read a lot of articles and baby books, and I talk to my friends that are moms. And I'm conflicted on the subject of sleep. Or, more specifically, helping Little Man to differentiate between night and day. I try to dim the lights, but I struggle with turning off the tv (he nurses for 45 minutes. I need something to occupy my mind!), and not talking to him much. He tends to be fairly alert from 8:00 pm until midnight and I want to interact with him when he's awake. The other night I decided as long as I could stay awake, I would play with my son if he was awake. So of course he hasn't had a prolonged awake period since.

He seems to be having some sleep issues. I started keeping a log to see how much sleep he gets, because frequently during the day he's only sleeping an hour at a time. Yesterday was the first full day and he got 12 hours. He seems to be having some tummy troubles, which isn't really helping. He has been spitting up and seems to be uncomfortable at times. I wish there was something I could do to help him feel better.

This of course raises questions with me and I'm not sure where to look for answers. I don't know if I should call his doctor since it's not really a doctor issue. I've considered calling my Lactation consultant, because I worry it's food related. I tried books and articles, but can't seem to find anything helpful. (Off topic but What to Expect the First Year isn't particularly helpful with a preemie, since they run on their own time table.) I don't know how to help him.
He also makes lots of noises in his sleep, grunts, sighs and squeaks, as well as occasionally crying briefly. I don't know if that's just what babies do or if it's part of his tummy troubles.

Did I mention I worry a lot?

My Mommy Story

As a new mom of a six week old baby, I have decided I need a place to share all my worries. As someone diagnosed with anxiety issues, I am a little high strung and highly prone to 3 a.m. panics. Here I will share all the fears, the tears, and the laughs that is my life as a new mom.

Before we can talk about now, we have to back track a little, to my life before Little Man. I am 33 years old, and married to a wonderful man who spoils me rotten. I'm ok with that. ;) We have been married four years. We tried to get pregnant for three years with no success. Finally last fall, I traveled to Phoenix, AZ where I felt awful. I came home ready to go to the doctor, but wanted to rule out pregnancy because I knew he would ask. Now you have to understand how many pee sticks I'd gone through, all negative to understand my mind set going in. When it came back positive was the first time in my life I have ever been speechless. Despite a blood test with my doctor, I still didn't believe I was really pregnant until my first OB appointment. Even then I was convinced it wouldn't go to term. It wasn't until I was five months pregnant I realized I really was going to have a baby.

In April, after a couple months of dealing with gestational diabetes, I started to have trouble with my blood pressure. Before we really had time to worry about that, I started bleeding. I went to my doctor who sent me to the hospital where I tested positive for leaking amniotic fluid. I spent a week in the hospital as my blood pressure slowly ratcheted up, trying to limp my son as close to his due date as possible. But by the end of the week, my blood pressure stole the show, sky rocketing up to 170/120 at times. I wasn't allowed to sit up, and I was only allowed to stand up when I had to use the bathroom. After three days of fighting with high pressures, my doctor decided to induce. I will share my labor story another day, as it is a little long winded. Little Man was born at 35 weeks gestation, and he was tiny. His ribs stood out and his spine poked out so much you could see every vertebrae.

He had issues, as all preemies will. He was a good eater from the start, but he struggled with his body temperature. After a few days, he also had issues digesting the food he so happily ate. And then he started having sleep apnea and bradycardia (not breathing and low heart rates) and had to go on caffeine. Finally, after 11 tortuous days in the hospital, he got to come home. It took me several hours before I could put him down. Little did I know the worst was yet to come. He wasn't home an entire week before yet another "preemie issue" emerged. He has gastric reflux issues because the muscle at the top of the stomach that keeps food down is weak. He also started getting diarrhea, so they had me stop eating dairy, peanut butter and caffeine.

He has steadily put on weight and is doing good. He came off the caffeine a couple weeks ago and I hope he will come off the monitor this week. We are struggling with sleeping and I am working on not jumping to his side at every noise. I have finally gotten to where I can ignore his grunts and sighs and sneezes, but now I'm struggling with jumping up the second he starts to fuss. I am trying to give him a minute to try to self soothe. We're having some feeding issues I will go into in another day. He is a good baby and my whole world. Even given everything we've been through, I wouldn't trade it for anything. He is everything I never knew was missing. :-D