Overdue post

Yeah, I know, it's late. But I spent a lot of time with family the last week, so didn't get much accomplished. To top it off, a nasty cold is making the rounds through the folks that were at our Christmas gathering and Little Man is in pretty bad shape. We took him to an Urgent Care Center last night and they said he had congestion in his lungs and prescribed a nebulizer. He's still as happy as ever, he just has a pretty bad cough and his nose runs. His appetite is way down. And he's been running a very low grade temperature all day. He struggles to sleep because he can't breath through his nose so he can't suck his binki and breathe. Poor guy. So for the time being you'll have to make do with this and pray I can stop procrastinating long enough to let you know everything we're going through right now. :)

Updates are coming.

So it's been a while, as usual. A LOT has changed. I'm not going into it in this post, it's really just to tell you I am trying to get several posts up. I am going to tell you all about the exciting things Little Man is doing, update you on the sleeping situation, talk about eating and the holidays. So yeah, lots of stuff. But it's Sunday, and tomorrow is Christmas Eve. So I'm going to wait to post until Wednesday when all three of my regular readers are around. ;) So hold me to it!

Always look on the bright side of life *whistles*

Little Man still isn't sleeping well. I've begun some sleep.training techniques from the book "No Cry Sleep.Solution" and though it's only been one night, I have hope. But that's not what I want to talk about today.

Today I want to talk about the rest of the day. My son is such a good baby. He's very happy and smiles more than any other facial expression. He loves people and is the biggest flirt I've ever met. He's convinced waiters and shop clerks are there to fuss over him, and they rarely fail to disappoint.

He's a really good eater, always has been. We've moved on to level 2 foods, so he.gets meats and some mixed fruits. For breakfast I give him oatmeal with cinamon and fruit puree. Lunch is a vegetable puree and a fruit one. For.dinner, a meat entree like turkey and sweet potatos or chicken and mixed vegetables. I tried making my own baby food, but I'm not able to get them as smooth as tbe store bought stuff. He's texture oriented, like me, so no matter how I flavor it he won't eat it.

He's mobile now, though npt actually crawling. He scoots backwards, rolls around and lurches an inch here and there. He's really close to crawling, just hasn't yet figured out how to coordinate the hands and knees. We plan to fully baby proof this weekend, gating off the tv and kitchen. It amazes me how quickly he can move across the.floor and get into something.

The only time he really cries is when he's tired, though he'll fuss a little if.he's hungry or board. He loves kisses and gives hugs, and he likes to snuggle with me. He's in a phase where he.doesn't like men and will cry if.they hold him, which made his grandpa in Wisconsin very sad. And he's big and very healthy. So despite the fact that I'm exhausted and banging my head against the wall trying to get him to sleep, all in all I must be doing something right...

Post partum depression

So I've officially been diagnosed with post-partum depression. With a past of abuse, compounded by a preemie, sleep deprivation and a couple infections, who can really blame me? I get very upset (mostly with myself but sometimes with others for "not helpung") if I can't fifure out what's wrong with Little Man. I wrack myself with guilt over every shortcoming and feel like a failure as a mom. But the scariest is the horrible rages. Nobody worry, Little Man is in no danger, this anger is directed inward. During a particularly bad fit, I began bashing myself in the head, first with my hands, then with some books. Finally, as my hand wrapped around the shaft of my jewelry hammer, I knew it was time to ask for help. I called my doctor and after a short consultation I was prescribed zoloft and a few xanex until it kicks in. I love my little man, and I will do anything for him. It's not a permanent thing, just something to help level me out until my body levels out again.

These are not the only symptoms of post-partum depression. It can be a very serious condition, sometimes even life threatening. Please, if you think you have it, don't suffer like I did. What would have happened if I hadn't come to my senses when I did? Remember, asking for help doesn't mean you're weak, it just means you're strong enough to admit you can't do it alone.

So it's been awhile

I haven't posted in a long time because I didn't want to descend into an endless cycle of complaining about lack of sleep and fussy baby. Because that's what the last three months have been. For two blissful months my baby slept through the night and was very sweet and independent. Then one day that all changed. I took him to the doctor three seperate times because he just screamed for hours at a time. He never wanted to sleep and he refused to take his bunki. The only way I could get him to sleep was by nursing him. Finally we got some help in a diagnosis of thrush. When we got that cleared up he started taking his bink again and stopped crying for hours. But he never went back to sleeping through the night. Some nights he wakes as often as four times, staying awake for an hour or two each time.

Complicating matters, I'm struggling with emotional issues. No, I'm not depressed. I'm angry. All the time. It's generally directed at myself, since self abuse has always been a hobby of mine. But this is a dangerous rage that scares me sometimes. I don't even know what could be done about it since it's not depression or anxiety. The only way it's really effected the way I treat Anthony is sometimes I get frustrated and set him down and walk away. I would never hurt my son.

Developmentally he's doing good. He has finally mastered rolling over. He sits on his own and plays really well. He can get up on his knees and has been scooting backwards for a few weeks. He eats about five ounces of baby food twice a day and we've started giving him foods he can feed himself once a day, like graham crackers, fruit spears or baby MumMums. He can stand with minimal assistance, though only holding onto us. He hasn't figured out how to hold himself in other things. He can make his walker go backwards, though he hasn't figured out forwards yet. He usn't really talking yet, though it sounds like he says "hi" sometimes. But boy does he babble! One of his favorite games is to say stuff and have us repeat it.

He's growing, almost 28 inches tall and 19 pounds. He's very happy and smiles and giggles a lot. Usually if he's fussing, he's not sleeping well. Someday... Maybe.

Teething?

Since we got home from Wisconsin, we've had a whole different baby. He's fussy, he doesn't sleep as well, and he isn't easily calmed. Logically, I'm sure the change means he's teething, but he seems to be missing the classic signs. His gums aren't swollen and have only been red in one small spot a few times. He isn't drooling to much, either. So I can't solidly say he's teething. I give him Tylenol but that just brings a whole new set of problems. Every time I give him a dose, he goes to sleep. The only time he sleeps through the night is if I give him a dose. I called his doctor's office to see if it was ok to give him regular doses and don't feel like I got any help. The nurse told me I don't want to "dose him around the clock" and not to exceed 5 doses in 24 hours. No answer on whether or not it's ok to give him a dose (or three) every single day. I don't know what's normal fussy and what's teething fussy. I feel more lost than I have since he finally came home from the hospital.

Pimp My Mobile

So today I finally finished Little Man's mobile of awesomeness. I wanted it to be more interesting for him, so I went to Hobby Lobby a couple months ago in search of things that caught my eye. This is what I ended up with.

Now, I'm not nearly creative enough to make the mobile myself. This was a chintzy peice of trash we ordered off of Amazon. I bought it because it matched the theme of his room, but I regret it. It had little stuffed creatures that hung funny and were kind of creepy. And it felt flimsy. So I turned this:

Lambs and Ivy Enchanted Forest Musical Mobile

into something far more fitting. I plan to add some of the foam stickers to the top white peice, but haven't gotten that far yet.

The point of a mobile is to keep a baby entertained in the crib. When he looked up at this, he saw creepy stuffed butts and white plastic sticks. So I took it on myself to make it more interesting. I added a mirror at the center, brightly colored foam shapes, so sparklies and of course new cool danglers.

To start I wrapped the plastic arms in gold duck tape to reinforce it and make it stronger. Then I added the mirror, hot gluing it to the arms. I found a bowl in the kitchen slightly smaller than the mirror and traced around it on the back side of the foam, then cut it out. I hot glued the mirror to the foam, then wrapped the edges around the frame to secure the mirror in place. Finally I attached interesting objects at the end of each arm: mirrored disco balls, foil twist ties, a toy pompom, and strings of beads. Since some items were heavier than others, I used magnets to balance the arms.

Sorry it's overly bright, but it was a hard angle to shoot and this is the best of the lot.

Once that was all done, I added the foam cutouts and the rhinestone flowers. There are four colored butterflies, four dragonflies, two lady bugs, two rhinestone flowers and four foam flowers with leaves. I chose simple shapes that it was easy for Little MAn to understand and bright colors that would draw his attention. I have it hanging out of his crib wight now until I'm certain the whole thing isn't going to come crashing down on him. It was a chintzy mobile to start with after all. 

If you find yourself shopping for a mobile, remember, it's for baby not you. A quick search on Amazon reveled tons of cute ones, like this classic one, or this awesome flower one.

Road Trippin'

When Little Man first came home, he hated his car seat. We'd get him in it and he would just wail. Thank god he's gotten better. Now he'll fuss if we sit still too long (screw the red light Mom, go!) or if we go too slow. Well, heading to Wisconsin to visit my in laws (a five hour drive without a baby) I discovered he also gets fussy if he's in the car too long. I discovered if I recline my seat back as far as it goes (irritating in my husband's car since it's a knob you have to turn forever!) and turn sideways in my seat, I can soothe him until the motion of the car works its magic. And it does now, within ten minutes of constant motion, out he goes. But the twisted position led to a scary moment. Some testosterone soaked pickup truck was weaving in and out of traffic. My husband had to swerve into another lane and all I could think was "This is gonna hurt." Thankfully we didn't get in a wreck and I am now safely turned in my seat with my seat belt fitted properly. Little Man is sound asleep in the backseat and home is less than an hour away. Life is good for the moment.

Bedtime Routine is God

At my inlaws this weekend, I discovered just how important the bed time routine is. We were at a family barbeque an hour after his bedtime. He slept five hours before waking tyen woke every hour and a half to two hours after that. I was not a happy camper. I was angry at the guy who hosted for not starting dinner sooner. I was angry with my husband's family for not trusting us with a key. I was angry at my husband for not.advocating for his son. I still am. I kept saying.I needed to be gone before 7:30. Am I unreasonable to expect people to let me stick with Little Man's routine? It's not fair that I'm the only one losing sleep.

Fussy baby

LAst week was a little crazy in our house. Little Man was fussier than he's ever been and I didn't know what to do. I don't really know what caused it either. His nose was snuffley, his nostrils swollen shut. His gums didn't seem tender, but he preferred his softer newborn binkis, so teething is a possibility. He wasn't sleeping through the night. I was so tired and an emotional wreck. At my wits end I gave him a dose of baby Tylenol. He slept through the night and did much better the next day. As I said, I don't know what caused it. There's a conspicuous lack of teeth for it to be teething....

Overdue update

After sleeping through the night for over a month, Little Man has been waking up at three a.m. for the last week. I don't know what brought the change, though he has started sleeping more during the day. I have to admit while I like tue chance to release the pressure in mu boobs, I miss a full nights sleep.

For one blissful week, I thought we were finally getting a house big enough for us. After busting my butt all week to get the house ready for.the realtor to check it out, he gave us a number far too low to pay off our current house. So now we're stuck in q house too small for us. You can barely walk through my living room for the baby stuff. And this weekend I added a Bumbo and a new wiggle cave (though I will most likely put away his old one since he's gotten too big for it now) that I have no idea where they can go. I'm trying to get him enough clothes to make it.through the winter until garage sales next year, meaning through 12 month sizes. And I have no where to put it all. *frustrated sigh*

Other than that things are going well. He's still growing, almost out of all his 0-3 month sizes. He is fairly independent, spending a oot of his.time wiggling on his own. He has been very happy every morning, cooing, giggling and smiling. I love every moment of it. As much as I want to see him crawl and hear him speak, I want time to slow down so I can enjoy him as much as possible. Love my baby boy.

Breastfeeding vs formula

We had five blissful days of sleeping through the night, then last night he woke after only four hours. I'm not going to lie, I was a little bitter. He ate then I put him in the crib where he put himself to sleep bit it still upset me. One step forward and ten steps back.

So Bloomburg (or whatever the mayor of New York's name is) has gotten a lot of talk going about formula vs. breastfeeding. As a first time mom I have to say, I feel like both sides of the issue are bullies. On one hand, formula companies are highly aggressive with their free samples and swag. On the other hand the "boob nazis" as I've heard La Leche League and lactation consultants referred to make me feel like a failure for even considering formula for my son. I'm not saying either side is wrong. In fact I don't think there is a right answer. What I do no is no one has the right to tell a mother what she should do. Let a woman choose to do what she wants for her child. For me the choice was breastfeeding, but that's not the choice for everyone.

Given the difficulties I've had with the lactose overliad and my dairy free diet you might not think it's worth it. And believe me, so do I. But when I'm doubting myself I remember why I chose breastfeeding in the first place.
        *It's cheaper
                 It doesn't get much cheaper than free and I never have to rush to the store because I'm out.
*It's better for the environment Yes, I pump and store milk, but I do so in reusable plastic containers that will produce less waste for the local landfill. While I'm no eco-freak picketing companies that don't have recycling programs, it never hurts to be a little conscious of the only planet capable of sustaining life. *Bonding time The time I spend nursing makes me feel that much closer to my son. And the look on his face makes me smile every time. *Always have it with me Since my boobs seem to be permanently affixed to my chest, I will never be without them, and therefore Little Man's food supply. *It's better for him A baby's body is quite literally made to process his mother's milk. Who am I to argue with that? So yes, there are reasons to breastfeed, but there are also reasons not to. Sore nipples, sore back, watching your diet for the sake of your supply are all tedious and valid reasons to decide to use formula. IN the end, as with everything it comes down to one thing for me. My body, my decision.

Attitude adjustment

Yesterday I realized I didn't need Anthony to sleep better. I said it while I was pregnant and it's still true. I just had to remember. What I said eas "A new baby isn't thzt exhausting if you ignore the clock and live on his routine." And you know what? I was right. Yesterday I laid down every time Little Man was asleep. Last night we had a "bad night" where the longest he slept was three hours. But you know what? I'm ok. I got plenty of sleep. I'm going to try falling into his rythyms for a few days and see how it goes.

Now this plan does have downsides. The people in my life will have to deal with the schedule. I won't have as much time with my husband. My friends (who I already barely see) will have to be flexible when we make plans. And I have to take the stress off myself. I am putting pressure on myself to finish my book (which should have been done back in March), but I need to be more patient with myself. Cause after all, my son is worth any sacrifice.

The good stuff

It was brought to my attention that I only share the bad on facebook, so I've decided to take some time to share sole of the good. Little Man is a very good baby. He doesn't fuss often, usually when he needs something. In the rare occassion that he does fuss, I am somewhat at a loss since it doesn't usually happen. So you hear about it.

He has amazing head control for a two month old. I rarely have to support his head. He doesn't have fine muscle control, but he's definately ahead of schedule.

He isn't sleeping as much as I want, but he's usually pretty cheerful about it. He smiles and coos and wiggles and makes it impossible to be mad. Even exhausted I can't help but smile.

He is so cute I can't go anywhere without causing a stir.

He discovered splashing the other day. I think I'm going to be getting wet at bath time.

He loves tv, which daddy always has on. But he doesn't have the attention span to follow it for very long.

He's really good with strangers. I can leave him with anyone and he's ok with that.

There's a lot of tough times with a newborn, but the good far outweighs the bad. Please don't take my complaints to mean I love it any less. I'm just venting.

No more minitor

I don't know if I talked about it much, but Little Man came home on a heart monitor. It kept an eye on his heart as well as his breathing. The first week he was home he had a few alarms, though they weren't terribly scary for me since I was used to them from the hospital. But since May 10, he hasn't had a single alarm. I started trying to get him off it at the end of May. Finally on June 22 I had had enough. Anthony had sores on his chest from both the band and the pads and I simply refused to use an unecesary peice if equipment that was starting to hurt him. So for the first time in my lufe, I stood up to a doctor and took him off it. I have no regrets. I love being able to just grab the baby and wander around the house. And Anthony seems to like being able to squirm without getting tangled in his leads. Yesterday I turned it back in the supply company. Here's to my healthy baby boy. :-)

Adventures in Breastfeeding

Like many moms, I nursed Anthony soon after he was born. But once he went into the nursery, it was doctor's orders that we couldn't nurse until my milk came in. Once my milk came in I was allowed to nurse him once a day. The nurses would weigh him, let him eat, then weigh him again. And it didn't take long for us to figure out that his transfers were very low. Because of this and his feeding issues,  Little Man was fed from a bottle. I used a breast pump to get my milk in and carried bottles of milk into the nursery everyday when I visited him.

By the time he came home, he had nipple confusion. He would not latch onto my breast very often, though I tried to offer him a breast at every feeding. I was pumping about eight times a day while taking care of a premature newborn. I was so exhausted, I was considering switching to formula. So I called a lactation consultant. She gave us a nipple shield and there was light at the end of the tunnel. From that point on Little Man latched on every time. His transfers still weren't high enough to be done with the bottle (preemies have trouble organizing their jaws and suckling effectively) but I was able to stop the overnight pumpings at least. Within a week he had upped his transfers enough that he didn't always need a bottle to supplement.

But sadly that wasn't the only issue. He had diarrhea, gas, and the associated fussiness frequently. After discussing it with his doctor, we figured he was sensitive to enzymes from the dairy products I ate so I cut all dairy out of my diet. Do you have any idea how hard it is to avoid all dairy? It's in everything I love. But I was willing to put up with a special diet if he helped. The problem is it didn't. He still had diarrhea, though not as frequently. He also had times when he kept eating even though I knew he wasn't hungry. So one night I Googled 'Will a baby eat when he isn't hungry' and found an article on lactose overload. It's basically when a baby eats too much foremilk (the frothier milk that comes out of the boob first) and not enough hindmilk (which has more fat so stays in his intestines longer). It was because I switched sides frequently because my son didn't like the slower flow. So we reorganized and called lactation again. Now I keep relatching him to.the same breast as long as he'll stay on it. It's too soon to tell if it's working, but he seems to be more content. I have hope. I'm sure we'll have other issues down the road, but for we got this.

The kind of mommy I want to be

I just want to make something clear, in case you couldn't tell. I am not an expert. I'm floundering about, figuring this mommy thing out as I go. I don't really have a good example to follow, only what I don't want to do. My father was abusive. My mother was absent and when she was home she was passive aggressive. She did the best she could, and she might have done better before my memories really kick in. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want Little Man to know what I did growing up. I try to follow my sisters' examples, since they seemed to rise above it and raise two dang good kids each. I try to find the positive, and to make sure he knows he is safe and loved.
I am a little tired of defending my choices. I make the decisions my heart says are best. I think I do a dang good job. Through all the tummy issues, the sleepless nights and the fussiness, I keep true to my ideals as a parent. I try to teach by doing and be the good example he needs.  And at the end of the day, he is safe, and healthy, and happy. And that's what truly matters.

Sleepy time

So I've been asked how I get Little Man to sleep. Since the explanation is a little long-winded for a comment, I decided to make a post about it. I tried to find help on this subject when we first brought our son home without help. Some of the things I do I found in books or articles, some comes from advice friends have given and one or two I stumbled across on my own.
Womb service
No matter what gets my Little Man worked up, a recording of womb sounds is part of my routine to calm him right down. I bought "Sounds of the Womb" from Amazon MP3 and it's the best eight bucks I've ever spent.
Binki babe
Babies are biologically hard wired with the desire to suck. I had no choice about the introduction of the binki because of early feeding issues, but now it's a godsend. Sometimes just popping it in his mouth makes it all better. If he's really riled up and the binki just isn't cutting it, I insert my pinkyin his mouth, nail side down. A gentle touch to the roof of the mouth starts him sucking, and it's not long until his eyelids start to get heavy.
Rock n' roll
Little Man can't resist movement. We spend our nights in our bed, thanks to his cosleeping bassinet. While in there, he prefers to sway side-to-side rather than rock front-to-back. During the day we rock in the recliner. No matter where or how, the movement needs to be big, ricking the chair through it's full range or swaying until one cheek rises off the bed and then the other.
The Beat Goes On
I know it sounds odd, but one of the best ways to soothe a baby is to beat him. A steady rhythm on his back or butt sends him off in a hurry.
Blanket Assumption
Everyone can think if a time that snuggling under a warm blanket knocked them right out. Why would a baby be any different.
There are many more ways to get baby to sleep, but these are my go-tos. I don't always use everyone. Last nught I used womb soynds, blankie and beatings. Tgia morning I swaywd, used a binki ans beat him. Sometimes one or two things on this list not only are a complete miss, they wind up making him mad. The most important thing is to find what works for you. Trust your instincts and don't be afraid to try something new.

Baby Nails

Maintaing Little Man's nails gives me heartburn. His nails are super soft and snag all the time. While trying to clip them over the weekend, I got his finger and felt simply awful.  I think I'm going to put the clippers away and go back to filing them like I usually do. I use the finer side of an emery board at a slight angle (maybe thirty degrees) to the edge of the nail. File in only one direction in a straight line. Because his nails are so soft, this doesn't take much, maybe three passes. But since he is a flailer and recently has started to grip anything he can get his hands on, it's important to keep them under control. And at least my cosmetology is license is being used for something these days.

Family affairs

We took Little Man to Wisconsin to meet my husband's family this weekend. He's not a very good traveler because he doesn't like his car seat. Or rather he doesn't like the restraints of his seat. But we only had to stop one extra time than usual. We made it to my husband's grandfather's house only a little later than usual. This picture is of four generations together. :-)

The lack of blogs this week are directly proportional to my lack of sleep. Little Man decided we didn't need anything silly like sleep. It started Saturday with six hours out of twenty-four, then got a little better. He's been wanting to nurse every two hours at the most. But I made a discovery that should make a difference -- he associates nursing with going to sleep. Since that discovery, I stafted using other methods to help him get to sleep and we're doing better. Don't know how this will effect overnights but I will be sure to let you know. I will say that last night went pretty dang well.

Well baby check

Had his two month checkup yesterday.
Birth:  5 lbs, 3 oz
              18 in
1 month: 6 lbs 14 oz
                  19 in
2 month: 10 lbs 6 oz
                   23 in

He's catching up with change. I asked his doctor how long we would have to adjust for his prematurity developmentally and she said he's doing everything she'd expect a premature baby to do so we don't have to.

Can I just say immunizations are evil. Don't get me wrong, I definately beleive in them, and Anthony was really good with them. But trying to soothe him while the nurse stabbed him was hard. And when I took the bandaid off last night I was shocked by how much he bled. Poor giy. But it has been almost 24 hours and he doesn't have a fever or seem to feel icky, so far anyway.

I've been doing some soul searching lately and realized I somehow became very negative the last year. I was quick to see the bad in people and did little else than complain. I'm not sure how or why it happened but it's not the woman I want raising my son. I need to figure out how to stay the positive person I want to be. Little Man deserves that.

Happy baby noises and a long weekend

So this week Little Man started making what I refer to as happy baby noises. I think it's baby babble, but what is know it is is stinking cute. He'll coo and make sort of high pitched drawn out  "ah" sounds. Even the lactation consultant thought they are adorable. I'm completely biased, so it was nice to have the conformation.

Saturday was a bad day for us. From midnight Friday night until ten on Saturday night he only slept a total of seven hours. My husband had watched him at one point so I had a little bit more sleep, but not a lot. By the time I got him asleep and in his bassinet, I barely made it to my pillow before I dropped off. I'm wondering if I'm not doing the block feeding right, if I'm giving him one breast too long. I have no idea how to tell if a breast is empty. So I went back to what I had been doing, giving him one breast each feeding, alternating between feedings. It's more comfortable for me during the overnight anyway.

Little Man is the squirmiest sleeper I've ever seen and I used to work in a daycare. He grunts and wheezes, stretches and raises his legs, rolling from his back to his side and back. He'll tighten his arms until they shake, raising them straight up in the air. Then he'll give me a sleep smile and be still, only to do it again in ten or fifteen minutes. It's cute to watch, but when I'm tired and just want to sleep, my heart drops every time...

How do single parents do it?

So, in all the stories I've been telling, you might have noticed something missing. My husband. He supports me, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't do much of the physical stuff. He's changed three diapers in two months. He will ignore the baby when he's crying and won't pick him up when it's obvious giving him a pacifier isn't working. Mostly he fetches stuff and keeps up with chores. And that's invaluable, don't get me wrong. But it really bothers me that he won't take a late night feeding or sacrifice some of his routines for the baby. My entire life is different and he has a hissy fit if he has to watch the tv in the bedroom at lunch.
The worst part about it is there aren't many people I can talk to about it. I have friends I can talk to, just not about this. When I complain, I feel like people are judging him, and it's not fair because they don't know the whole story. Then I feel the need to defend him and communication starts to shut down.
It sucks feeling like a married single mother. He will so whatever I ask, but I'm not good at asking for help. I don't know if there os a way to solve thia witbout hurt feelings, but I know it's hard not to resent him when he's snoring away while I'm trying to soothe a fussy baby at 3 am...

Baby overload

So it's been a crazy week!
After the worst diarrhea Little Man's had yet, he didn't give me a wet diaper for eight hours. Well, maybe. There was one diaper where maybe half an inch of the wetness indicator said he'd peed, but it didn't feel like it. So I called the doctor and got an appointment. In the half an hour I was at the doctor's, he peed three times! Little turkey. He now weighs 10 pounds and is 23 inches long, I believe.
Today we went to lactation to transition to the larger nipple shield. He's been refusing to maintain a latch and abusing my nipples, so I was definitely concerned. While there the consultant and I were discussing how inconsistent his diarrhea is, and how he has it when I'm not good and doesn't have it when I'm bad. She doesn't think it's an issue of being unable to process dairy, she thinks it's lactose overload from an overabundant milk supply (I can pump six ounces per breast in one pumping) causing the problem. She recommended block feeding, meaning I keep putting him to the same breast until it's drained. We'll see how it goes. I'm not getting too crazy with the dairy, just in case, but I had ice cream for the first time in a month tonight.
I'm also having trouble with anger lately, usually around feedings. I'm not talking a little irritated, I mean full on explosive hostility. The only other time I felt anything like it is when I'm detoxing off of steroids from my asthma and bronchitis issues. I don't know where it comes from (I have some issues with anger anyway because of abuse when I was young. You can read about those issues in my Fragile Minded blog.) only that I want to destroy things. It's hard because I can't vent since I'm holding Anthony. A couple of times I've had to put him down and walk away.
So that's why there hasn't been a blog for a few days. I will keep you up to date as things develop, but for now he's asleep, so I need to be too.

Little stinker

Every mom has a poop story, and I am no exception. Little Man doesn't poop often, as many breast fed babies don't, but when he does it's rather epic.

The first story happened a couple weeks after he came home, when the poop seemed to stop. I'd spoken to his doctor and knew not to worry. I was sitting in my recliner in pajamas pants and my nursing bra, because we had just finished a nursing session. Little Man sat on my leg, his body reclining against mine, enjoying being upright to check the room out. I felt his little body tense, his legs shooting out straight. I knew that meant he was pooping, which made me happy because it had been several days. Then I felt the wetness on my leg. I looked down and realized he had suffered a blow out, a massive diaper malfunction. There was poop all down my front and all down his legs. He just sat there happily squirming, spreading it around. I stripped us both down, gave him a bath and wiped his changing table down with Lysol wipes. As I straightened up and went to go sit down, I glanced down at him in his bed. I could swear he was smilin about the whole thing.

The second story happened yesterday. Poor Little Man had diarrhea (bad mommy had dairy Friday) and was going constantly. As I was changing his diaper I realized I'd left his picu cream (equal parts eucerin cream, aquafor and zinc oxcide we got from the hospital) and sent my husband to fetch it. I knew better than to leave him uncovered so I pulled the clean diaper up from underneath him. As I reached to get the jar of cream in my husband's hand, there was a very wet sound. I looked down and realized I needed another clean diaper. And new clothes for the baby. Apparently diapers only kind of work when they aren't fastened.
I'm sure there will be more incidents, and I will be sure to share them. I'm quite certain he will appreciate the record twenty years from now.

Dairy free sucks

Do you have any idea how hard it is to avoid all dairy? It's in everything. I can cook from scratch, but Little Man is almost always awake at dinner time. So we try to find quick meals with no dairy, which gets aggravating. And the hardest part is it the results in my son's are inconsistent at best. Cheese seems to be safe, but anything with straight milk or whey is not. This means I can't have Hamburger Helper, most baked goods, even gravy can mess with his little tummy. Understand that I'm willing to sacrifice anything for him if it makes a difference. Though he doesn't get diarrhea like he did before I went dairy free, he still seems to have significant tummy troubles. It doesn't help that he has reflux issues, which causes his tummy to hurt. To make it better, he wants to eat which makes his belly hurt more. It causes him to spit up significant amounts, and who knows what is does as far as his digestive system. Poor little guy. I just wish I could figure out the magic formula to help him...

Just venting

As a new mom, the phrase "things will get better" comes up a lot. Well you know what? That doesn't help me. Suggest things to help or say you know it's tough and pat me on the back. I'm exhausted and the night feels endless. Telling me I have months of this to endure still is a cold comfort at best. Yes, I know it will end. I know millions of women have gone through it as well. And I bet they felt about the same.

The fact is I'm exhausted. I injured my neck in the hospital stay and aggravated it during labor and it still hurts. I can't eat dairy so many of my favorite foods are off limits. I'll talk about that tomorrow, I think. Everyone around me is far to ready to tell me what I'm doing wrong. So you tell me where's the comfort in "it will.get better?"

Amazon Mom and more

Did you know that you can get all the baby products you use sent right to your door? Did you know I sound like a bad medical supply company as? But seriously, imagine never having to run out for diapers because the friendly UPS guy brings them to you. The prices are low and they have all the brands you're familiar with. You can adjust the quantity as needed. And the nice thing about Amazon is they're never out of stock. See, I'm the consumer companies look for, who will buy the same product I like until it isn't available anymore. So if I run to the store for wipes and they don't have the brand I use, it will lead to foot shuffling and looking around like I'm lost before I leave empty handed. I want you to understand, Amazon isn't paying me to tell you about this (unless you want to, Amazon? *holds palm out expectantly*) I just think this is a great idea and so handy if you're like me, too busy and tired to run out and get stuff.

On the subject of diapers, I'm a little worried about Little Man. He's not using the 6-12 a day that he's supposed to everyday. He has five or six, but I think I might call his doctor today and see what she thinks. I also need to call lactation so we can get a before and after weight check to check on his transfers. This isn't really a blog, it's a to-do list.

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How am I supposed to get everything done?

Since I got Anthony purely one the breast, he only sleeps about two and a half to three hours. He nurses for about 45 minutes. He is awake for a couple hours two to three times a day. And after he eats, I have to hold him for about twenty minutes to half an hour to lessen the chances of him spitting up. Somehow, with the time I have left, I'm supposed to keep the house clean, do enough laundry that I don't have to go naked, try to maintain a decent eating schedule, and run any errands I have. And that's not including making time for myself to ward off post partum, trying to write, and spending some time with my husband. Now admittedly, some of them can be done at the same time, like holding the baby and writing - but not many. I am getting better at prioritizing everything, but I'm still rushing around trying to get everything done. And I didn't even mention sleep. No wonder I'm always tired!

My husband tries to help as much as he can, but it only goes so far. He can't feed Little Man because he's ill equipped. Getting him to change a diaper is like pulling teeth. He gets to sleep through the night. And he goes to work during the day. So I tell myself I'm justified if I get snippy with him. Don't get me wrong. He's very emotionally supportive, and he'll do anything I ask. The problem with that is nine times out of ten it's just easier to do it myself than to ask.
Sometimes I feel incredibly alone. And then I feel guilty and depressed because women raise kids without any support at all, and here I am whining because I'm tired and busy. So I try to keep my chin up and keep on keeping.

At least tomorrow night I will get some sleep. Anthony and I are going to spend the night out at my folks house so Mom can watch home while I sleep. I want to stagger nursing and bottle because I don't want him to backslide. And it means I don't have to have as much milk ahead of time.

Sleep, baby, sleep

The night never seemed so long before Little Man. I never knew how little sleep I could function on. I read a lot of articles and baby books, and I talk to my friends that are moms. And I'm conflicted on the subject of sleep. Or, more specifically, helping Little Man to differentiate between night and day. I try to dim the lights, but I struggle with turning off the tv (he nurses for 45 minutes. I need something to occupy my mind!), and not talking to him much. He tends to be fairly alert from 8:00 pm until midnight and I want to interact with him when he's awake. The other night I decided as long as I could stay awake, I would play with my son if he was awake. So of course he hasn't had a prolonged awake period since.

He seems to be having some sleep issues. I started keeping a log to see how much sleep he gets, because frequently during the day he's only sleeping an hour at a time. Yesterday was the first full day and he got 12 hours. He seems to be having some tummy troubles, which isn't really helping. He has been spitting up and seems to be uncomfortable at times. I wish there was something I could do to help him feel better.

This of course raises questions with me and I'm not sure where to look for answers. I don't know if I should call his doctor since it's not really a doctor issue. I've considered calling my Lactation consultant, because I worry it's food related. I tried books and articles, but can't seem to find anything helpful. (Off topic but What to Expect the First Year isn't particularly helpful with a preemie, since they run on their own time table.) I don't know how to help him.
He also makes lots of noises in his sleep, grunts, sighs and squeaks, as well as occasionally crying briefly. I don't know if that's just what babies do or if it's part of his tummy troubles.

Did I mention I worry a lot?

My Mommy Story

As a new mom of a six week old baby, I have decided I need a place to share all my worries. As someone diagnosed with anxiety issues, I am a little high strung and highly prone to 3 a.m. panics. Here I will share all the fears, the tears, and the laughs that is my life as a new mom.

Before we can talk about now, we have to back track a little, to my life before Little Man. I am 33 years old, and married to a wonderful man who spoils me rotten. I'm ok with that. ;) We have been married four years. We tried to get pregnant for three years with no success. Finally last fall, I traveled to Phoenix, AZ where I felt awful. I came home ready to go to the doctor, but wanted to rule out pregnancy because I knew he would ask. Now you have to understand how many pee sticks I'd gone through, all negative to understand my mind set going in. When it came back positive was the first time in my life I have ever been speechless. Despite a blood test with my doctor, I still didn't believe I was really pregnant until my first OB appointment. Even then I was convinced it wouldn't go to term. It wasn't until I was five months pregnant I realized I really was going to have a baby.

In April, after a couple months of dealing with gestational diabetes, I started to have trouble with my blood pressure. Before we really had time to worry about that, I started bleeding. I went to my doctor who sent me to the hospital where I tested positive for leaking amniotic fluid. I spent a week in the hospital as my blood pressure slowly ratcheted up, trying to limp my son as close to his due date as possible. But by the end of the week, my blood pressure stole the show, sky rocketing up to 170/120 at times. I wasn't allowed to sit up, and I was only allowed to stand up when I had to use the bathroom. After three days of fighting with high pressures, my doctor decided to induce. I will share my labor story another day, as it is a little long winded. Little Man was born at 35 weeks gestation, and he was tiny. His ribs stood out and his spine poked out so much you could see every vertebrae.

He had issues, as all preemies will. He was a good eater from the start, but he struggled with his body temperature. After a few days, he also had issues digesting the food he so happily ate. And then he started having sleep apnea and bradycardia (not breathing and low heart rates) and had to go on caffeine. Finally, after 11 tortuous days in the hospital, he got to come home. It took me several hours before I could put him down. Little did I know the worst was yet to come. He wasn't home an entire week before yet another "preemie issue" emerged. He has gastric reflux issues because the muscle at the top of the stomach that keeps food down is weak. He also started getting diarrhea, so they had me stop eating dairy, peanut butter and caffeine.

He has steadily put on weight and is doing good. He came off the caffeine a couple weeks ago and I hope he will come off the monitor this week. We are struggling with sleeping and I am working on not jumping to his side at every noise. I have finally gotten to where I can ignore his grunts and sighs and sneezes, but now I'm struggling with jumping up the second he starts to fuss. I am trying to give him a minute to try to self soothe. We're having some feeding issues I will go into in another day. He is a good baby and my whole world. Even given everything we've been through, I wouldn't trade it for anything. He is everything I never knew was missing. :-D